I know that change is a part of life. So's disappointment. There's also good things to look and hope for: good friendships, relationships, things going your way at work, etc. There's a cycle about it all, and it doesn't always present itself the same to each person all the time. Someone may be going through the negative part of that cycle while another person is riding high on cloud nine. Then something happens to change your outlook, or circumstances, or whatever, and suddenly you're on the complete opposite end of where you were.
I've had that recently. It's been a rollercoaster of a month, you might say. In three different areas of my life. Let's start off with the most recent:
A couple coworkers of mine, along with myself, have been searching for a three bedroom house or apt to share, that isn't real expensive. About two weeks ago, I found a listing for what intially seemed to be an awesome house. 3 bed, 1 bath, and really close to downtown Franklin where the three of us work. We saw the house, and put in the rental/renter's applications. I had really good feelings about this place - pretty simple on the outside, well kept up, nice lawn, gravel driveway. The inside was wonderful: hardwood floors throughout, large bedrooms, even larger living room, and a very nice kitchen. Ultimately, however, we did not get the house. The owner's decided to rent it to a couple that had seen it before us, which was disappointing to say the least. But we weren't the first to see the house, so there you go.
The second thing is work related. In the space of about 5 or 6 weeks, the staff at Merridee's Breadbasket has dropped by 5, one of whom was a manager. Normally, I'd be wondering if that manager is going to be replaced or if there is a sufficient number of managers on staff to handle that level of workload/responsibility. I'm not next in line for an open manager position, but I am very interested in one, should one happen to come my way. The most I'm certain of at this point is that with 5 people gone, hours for everyone else will most likely pick up until some people are replaced.
The last thing that's happened is female related. Yes, you read that correctly. Believe it or not, but I actually had a date the weekend before my birthday last April. I went out with one of the girls who does overnight baking at Merridee's, and we really hit it off. At least, I thought so, given the amount of time we spent talking. Since she works overnight, though, and sleeps during the day, it's been rather difficult to get a second date set up. Calls and texts back and forth, and an occasional short conversation at work. But in the last couple of weeks, I've gotten almost no response from her, aside from a couple (brief) conversations at work, as I was coming in to start and she was leaving. Maybe she's just been busy, or maybe she just isn't that interested in me. Either way, I think I'm at the point where I can take a hint and move on.
All these things happen and I wonder if it's something I did, or something I could have prevented. As far as the house goes - no. All of that was out of my hands. Girl related - ...who knows? I've said before that when I see myself, I tend to always focus on the bad; the negative; the things about myself that I'm ashamed of. I'll look at myself and wonder what any woman would see in me; how could I hope to ever be in a loving relationship with a woman?; how could I ever deserve to be in a relationship, when I see the things I've done wrong? I know the kind of person I'm trying to be, but I still look at my mistakes and things I'm ashamed of, and get filled with all this doubt about myself, who I am, and who I'm trying to be. I wonder if it's really worth it. I wonder WHEN it will be worth it. And I also wonder IF it will be worth it. I doubt my own qualities and abilities and traits and all these other things that people see in me so much, that I feel like I'm a hypocrite for being all supportive of my friends, and uplifting and everything...but when it comes to me being on the receiving end of that same kind of support, I hear it and want to believe it, but there's still that little crumb of doubt in the back of my mind.
Lord knows I feel like I make it difficult to be friends with me. For my part, I try to be a great friend. I hope that those I count among my friends will reciprocate said efforts or whatever. Listening seems to be a frequent thing. Someone is usually there to listen to me when I've got concerns, or something on my mind. I don't end up on the listening side all that often, but I try to be available when needed. There are some I usually go to or call when I need to talk about something. They've known me for a while, and know the crap I've gone through in the past, and they are still friends with me. I'm grateful for them, even if I don't always show it. I should remember that the next time I find myself wallowing in self doubt. There are people who know the worst things about me, and they like me anyway.
* * * * *
All that is to say that I feel like I've been teased on a large scale.
Two instances where (I will admit) I got too attached to quickly and some miscellaneous events. Prior to any of these things happening, I had been riding that negative side of the cycle/rollercoaster, and then things started to turn around and life started to look a whole lot better. 4/5 weeks later, I hit that 'plunge.' My coworkers and I didn't get the house, date #2 does not look likely at this point (or anytime soon). Couple that with the way things are being shaken up at work and the fact that I've gotten a poor amount of sleep the last 5 nights in a row (mostly just going to bed at 1230-2am, and having to be at work at 7a), and you may understand how I really would like to have/take a personal day, a "me day", where I can just lay in bed, not worry about having to be anywhere or do anything productive - a day where I can rest from absolutely everything. A break from real life, you could say.
Got my hopes up; rush of warm feelings, etc; feelin' good about life and everything - and then I get hit with a curveball. House doesn't work out. Pretty girl doesn't call me back. Lack of good sleep. Ups and downs at work.
So yeah, I feel like I've been majorly teased. And you know what? I really, freakin' loathe being teased. All the stuff I've just described is a prime example. Hopefully, from here onwards, I'll be able to deal with it better than I've dealt with similar situations in the past. That's part of who I am now - pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward. And at the end of the day, hopefully I will be able to say that I fulfilled my motto (if I had a motto):
Return with honor.
